"I'd like to officially welcome you to polygamy 411. I'm glad you have been reading the blog. Thank you for your kind words, as well.
I have to say polygamy cannot bring any "misery" or "hardship" to anyone, the same as monogamy can't. It's just the name of a type of marriage.
One must look at the people who engage in polygamy, and determine what about them causes the "misery" and "hardship" that they experience while in a polygamous marriage. If she takes a good look at herself, probably she would come to realize it is her desires that cause the pain, hardship, suffering and all other problems.She's not getting her desires fulfilled the way she wants them to be.
Allah speaks about desires in the Holy Quran. Our desire should be to serve and worship Allah for which we were created. We try to satisfy our own desires and please ourselves. We want what we want, when we want it, and how we want it. It's like a baby crying when it wants to eat or the diaper needs changing or ???
The person is the problem, not the institution of polygamy.
The Muslim men who speaks of all the reasons polygamy is good speak a bunch of rhetoric. Of course men are going to come up with reasons polygamy is good because someone is bound to ask them why they believe in and accept polygamy. If a man speaks to his current wife about polygamy, one of the first things she will ask is why he wants another wife. He needs an answer, right?
The reason polygamy is good is because Allah swt allows it; it's the bottom line. He permits it. It is why polygamy is good. Who knows better than Allah? What? People think Allah didn't know what He was doing when he made polygamy permissible? Do they think He would permit something that is not good? Do they think He couldn't see the future. He created the Heavens and the Earth and all between. This is His Kingdom.
You said men practice polygamy for selfish reasons. Yes, this may be true. So? Everyone does many things for selfish reasons. We all will account to Allah for all we do.
Any hurt and pain a woman experiences in polygamy is due to a wrong belief she has in Allah or no belief in Allah. She should stop blaming others for her pain and suffering. Allah is a Just God. No one can bring any good or harm to us except by His leave. It's what He tells us in the Holy Quran. If the children are suffering in a polygamous marriage, their parents probably haven't taught them the Truth - Islam.
You stated, "I think not accepting polygamy is not equivalent to being disobedient to Allah." If Allah swt places a woman in a polygamous marriage and the man is not abusive to her and she doesn't like being in the marriage, she has a problem with her Lord - Allah. Allah is the One who decided the person would live in polygamy, with whom, and for how long.
You are correct that a person can leave the marriage (if Allah let it (divorce) come to fruition) if she doesn't want to share her husband. Why wouldn't the woman want to share her husband? None of the reasons she come up with could be good. She doesn't want to share because her heart is diseased. Allah says no one can enter Paradise with a diseased heart. Yes, she can leave the marriage, if Allah permits her to, and she will take her diseased heart with her. I suggest she pray Allah swt puts her in some type of situation that would get her heart cleansed or else she is headed for the Hellfire. "
When we live a life of polygamy we all must go through stages in it. I truly believe it. I don't think there is a way to bypass the pain that we must endure. But, I can say from my own experience that the pain does go away. I no longer have any pain in my heart from living this lifestyle. The envy is gone and the jealousy has subsided tremendously. I don't think of her that often when at one time she was a constant on my mind. You'll have to learn to control the thoughts in your mind and you can only do it by turning all your attention to Allah and remembering Him. I like this lifestyle now. It has many benefits for me.
In the initial stages of polygamy, many of us found ourselves blaming ourselves for our husbands having married another. As we grew in our faith, we began to realize and understand that we had nothing to do with it. There are people who are monogamous; there are people who are polygamous; there are people who are single, some never marry. Allah determined what each of us would be and he determined who our spouses would be.
We come to learn the higher meaning of truth. We no longer live in yesterday and think the way we thought when we were in Jahilliayah (Days of Ignorance). Allah says the seeing and the blind are not alike. He says those who know and those who do not know are not alike. Allah takes some of us out of the darkness into the light.
For you to come onto the blog and tell us we are to blame for our husbands taking another wife, does nothing for our faith in Allah. It's a set back. It's taking us back to the elementary stage of polygamy. We want to go forward not backwards. What is done is done. It was yesterday. Some of us read your comment and remembered the days of old when we had the incorrect belief and we lacked knowledge. We remembered the pain and hurt we felt from taking blame that was unwarranted.
With regard to the statement you made about taking responsibility, the only responsibility a Muslim/believer has is to Allah - to worship, serve Him, obey Him and Praise Him the way He tells us to. He instructs us to Believe, do righteous deeds and repent. He tells us to strive for Paradise. It is what many of us here are trying to do.
Some here say they make things happen; they have free will; they have power, blah, blah, blah, and there are others who believe Allah is in control of all things. Only He has Power. He decides all things .... Each of us must believe whatever Allah allows us to believe. I know Allah swt tells us that if we follow the common run of people, they will lead us astray. If we think the way the non-Muslims think and believe the way the non-Muslims believe, we are equally non-believers. Again, Allah swt says the seeing and the blind are not alike. He leads the believers out of darkness into light.
There are those on this blog who want to continue to move forward in this life, which is extremely short, and do as Allah commands us to do. We should live our lives with the Quran as our criterion and our guide.
With that said, no we don't want to go back and dissect our lives and try to determine why Allah swt placed us into a polygamous marriage because no one but Allah knows. No we don't want to blame ourselves for what another did. We are not to blame.